Mike over at Cold Fury brought this – DIARY OF INDIGNITIES SPECIAL EDITION: Uncle Patrick’s Advice to Children – to the world’s attention. Now that I have finished laughing, I would like to add a few of my own.
Not that I know anything about any of the below, of course.
* It is, in fact, true that a eighth of a keg of beer, when put into the trunk of a 1971 Camaro, will provide invaluable assistance in weighing the car down enough to allow a skilled driver to drive back roads at high speed in the dead of night and winter. This, however, does not excuse Miller Lite under any circumstances.
* Mr. Grain alcohol is not your friend, and never will be.
* Ms. Tequila is your friend, but she’s the friend that drove your parents nuts when you were growing up.
* If at any time during an evening you start calling for tequila, it’s already too late.
* Cows move surprisingly quickly for something that size, and they never wake up in a good mood. They can go from horizontal to vertical distressingly fast, too.
* Pigs are omnivores. They also don’t like humans very much, especially ones that stumble into their pen because they’re being chased by an angry cow.
* Chickens can be loud.
* A shotgun packed with rock salt is even louder, and not funny at all.
* You know how the Duke boys in the Dukes of Hazzard would do that thing where they’d quickly and smoothly jump into the General Lee through the always-open window? Well, one, the General Lee wasn’t a 1971 Camaro; two, they must have practiced that one a lot and three, let’s just say that the actors probably had fortified certain regions of their anatomy, if you know what I’m saying.
And, of course:
When they say somewhere is in East Nowhere, they mean it. Especially when running down a county road after a speeding Camaro in the dead of night and winter, without streetlamps or houses – but with the uncomfortable knowledge that this is alien abduction country.
Or so I’ve been told.
In random order:
And, finally:
Life’s lessons learned
Uncle Patrick swears that this is all stuff he learned the hard way, and having learned a few of these…
I miss Moe.
That is the spookiest comment spam I’ve ever seen. They’re getting better….
Sorry, I cleaned house on this thread. Spoilsport, me, but I hate comments spam.
I wonder whether Peter has ever sent that same suggestion to fafblog.
Now, crank letters, there‘s a goldmine.
Physics depts have a designated crank letter fielder for the people with plans for perpetual motion machines or anti-gravity generators.