It seems totally barbaric to me, and the Front Line piece on it has moments that are incredibly difficult to watch (including the story of one young woman who either hanged herself or was murdered by her "husband’s" family), but the practice of kidnapping brides in Kyrgyzstan is a very complex cultural institution that stunningly often ends in very happy marriages.
I’ve asked "Bambino" (aka my partner) about it, and his response is similar to that of many of the Kyrgyz people interviewed in the Front Line segment: a knowing smile, a blush, and a heartfelt insistence that to most Kyrgyz people it’s not as bad as it must appear to outsiders. It’s simply "cultural."
There are no ready facts on how long ago the practice started, but given that the traditional method was to capture one’s bride while riding a horse, the mastery of which became a cultural staple after Genghis Khan invaded this part of the world, it stands to reason the Mongolian invaders introduced this tradition via their conquests. I don’t want to speculate too much about the psychology of it, but there is a bit of nationalistic pride in the voices of those who explain it, even the women.
Bambino explains that he sees it more or less as an elopement. Often a young couple discuss and plan a kidnapping as a means of cutting through the woman’s family’s disapproval of her choice. In fact, Bambino’s mother arranged to be kidnapped by his father for this very reason.
Other times, however, a shy young man decides to kidnap a woman he doesn’t actually know and is too busy working on the farm or simply too self-conscious to get to know. The number of these women who eventually concede (or are simply worn down by the nagging of the "groom’s" family and give in) to marry is amazing to me. Even more amazing though, as the Front Line segment shows, is how many of them months and years later seem really, truly happy in their marriages, suggesting that the "resistance" they put up while being coerced into the marriage is a bit of cultural theater as well. Perhaps, if one is expecting to be kidnapped, it’s rather exciting to be coy, I don’t know. It’s totally foreign to me.
The practice was outlawed during the days of the Soviet Union, but it still happened frequently (as Bambino’s mother can attest). It was again outlawed by the Kyrgyz government in 1994, but, again, that’s had very little impact.
Now, rather than use horses, a young man and his friends will use a car to kidnap the woman he’s interested in. If the young man doesn’t have a car, they hire a taxi for the day. All this assistance in the illegal act seems to be openly, even proudly, discussed. Once a woman (or girl, as if sometimes the case) is taken to the "groom’s" parents’ home, the "bride’s" family is contacted and told of the kidnapping. If the woman’s family strongly objects or if the woman simply will not concede, she will be set free, but there’s a cultural price to be paid for such disobedience, as the "groom’s" family curses the woman and spreads lies about her.
Something about the whole thing seems oddly back-country Irish to me. My ex grew up on a farm in County Clare and described similarly sheepish attitudes toward simply asking women to date among many Irish men (an extraordinary number of men from that area never marry).* In fact, there are other parallels between Kyrgyz and Irish culture that I’m recognizing, but I’ll save those for another post. I mention it now simply to suggest that although kidnapping seems barbaric to me, given how many of those marriages turn into very happy stories, it’s far less tragic than the loneliness the Irish culture breeds.
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