Seeing as I’m tapped out for the night otherwise, here’s a little pre-emptive disapproval.
Top Ten Reasons Why Moe Lane can’t stand St. Patrick’s Day:
10). Actually, quite fond of the British these days, thanks. Well, just ask the inhabitants of Northern Ireland if they want to leave the UK? Oh, you did? Well, why don’t the ones that do want to leave bloody well leave, then? Some Irishmen did, you know. Some even came to America to get away from that nonsense…
9). Still working out childhood trauma engendered by sight of a drunken clown brutally singing When Irish Eyes are Smiling, with vomiting on a nun as his encore;
8). Constant subjection to Irish cooking has left a permanent allergic reaction to a mere picture of corned beef;
7). Has nothing against green. Green is a perfectly good color. A happy color, even. But feels contrarily reluctant to give in to the expectation of wearing it;
6). When younger, wrote several scathing letters to the editor condemning the IRA, and now wonders every year if this will be the one that the IRA will try to carve out a bloody revenge;
5). Can’t stand James Joyce. HAH! You hear that?!? I CAN’T STAND JAMES JOYCE! AND I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN COLLEGE, TOO! I’M FREE, FREE I TELL YOU! FREE!!!!!
4). Ain’t too fond of that damn leprechaun and his double-damned lucky charms, either;
3). No, doesn’t want a Guinness;
2). No, doesn’t care if everybody else in the bar is having one, too. The stuff tastes like roofing tar and the only way that any of these people wearing shamrocks and Kiss Me buttons would actually have any Irish blood would be if I gave them a transfusion. I mean, just look at that guy. Yes, that one wearing the bowler hat and the green suspenders, God help us all. No. NO. You will not start talking about the Pope. You will NOT start talking about the Pope. Damn you, now you’ve started talking about the Pope. No, I will not calm down and drink my roofing tar. Stop laughing at me! This is not an easy day to go through when you’re 15/16th Irish!
And the number one reason why Moe Lane hates St. Patrick’s Day:
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