St. Patrick’s Day. Oh, boy.

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Seeing as I’m tapped out for the night otherwise, here’s a little pre-emptive disapproval.

Top Ten Reasons Why Moe Lane can’t stand St. Patrick’s Day:

10). Actually, quite fond of the British these days, thanks. Well, just ask the inhabitants of Northern Ireland if they want to leave the UK? Oh, you did? Well, why don’t the ones that do want to leave bloody well leave, then? Some Irishmen did, you know. Some even came to America to get away from that nonsense…
9). Still working out childhood trauma engendered by sight of a drunken clown brutally singing When Irish Eyes are Smiling, with vomiting on a nun as his encore;
8). Constant subjection to Irish cooking has left a permanent allergic reaction to a mere picture of corned beef;
7). Has nothing against green. Green is a perfectly good color. A happy color, even. But feels contrarily reluctant to give in to the expectation of wearing it;
6). When younger, wrote several scathing letters to the editor condemning the IRA, and now wonders every year if this will be the one that the IRA will try to carve out a bloody revenge;
5). Can’t stand James Joyce. HAH! You hear that?!? I CAN’T STAND JAMES JOYCE! AND I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN COLLEGE, TOO! I’M FREE, FREE I TELL YOU! FREE!!!!!
4). Ain’t too fond of that damn leprechaun and his double-damned lucky charms, either;
3). No, doesn’t want a Guinness;
2). No, doesn’t care if everybody else in the bar is having one, too. The stuff tastes like roofing tar and the only way that any of these people wearing shamrocks and Kiss Me buttons would actually have any Irish blood would be if I gave them a transfusion. I mean, just look at that guy. Yes, that one wearing the bowler hat and the green suspenders, God help us all. No. NO. You will not start talking about the Pope. You will NOT start talking about the Pope. Damn you, now you’ve started talking about the Pope. No, I will not calm down and drink my roofing tar. Stop laughing at me! This is not an easy day to go through when you’re 15/16th Irish!

And the number one reason why Moe Lane hates St. Patrick’s Day:

1). Green beer. Green beer. That’s abomination territory right there, buddy.

24 thoughts on “St. Patrick’s Day. Oh, boy.”

  1. My sentiments exactly! (Except I didn’t have a drunken clown incident and I wasn’t an English major). To the list, I would add that every damned O’whatever and McSomething drove me nuts growing up, especially after Braveheart came out and Celtic music caught on among my peer group.
    I think what it is that bugs me is the nationalistic pride among a large group of people who have never actually been to Ireland, whose families have been here for generations, and who may not even in fact be Irish. Just admit it’s an excuse to get hammered. But then again, I’m a boring Germano-English spawn, what do I know?
    Whatever, let them have their day. Gives me another opportunity to remark (with the added bonus of potential bodily injury inflicted upon my person) about how much I hate Guinness.

  2. Go n-aora maorlathaí míthrócaireach do chat.
    and
    Go lagaí neach neamhshaolta do bhall fearga.
    We Sons of Erin don’t have to take this from the likes of you
    🙂

  3. Yes, holidays in Philadelphia which revolve around drinking are usually ones I like to miss. St. Pat’s, Fat Tuesday and New Years (especially the idiots who show up for the Mummers parade on Broad Street) – all boot and rally fests. The city smells bad enough without the extra puke.

  4. 8). Constant subjection to Irish cooking has left a permanent allergic reaction to a mere picture of corned beef;
    Which reminds me of the thread on Crooked Timber where a bunch of Irish (as in, born and raised in Ireland) people talked about how they’d never eaten corned beef and cabbage until they came to North America.

  6. For my money, the best comment ever on St Patrick’s Day was: “If they can dye the river green today, why can’t they dye it blue the other 364 days a year?” (Free Guinness if you can source it and quote the response…)
    But then I have no stake in this at all: I’m Scottish and I was never an English major.

  8. I too must come to the defense of Guinness…it does taste like roofing tar, mixed with WD40, at a good number of American bars, but it tastes like chocolate milk at the factory in Dublin…you have to learn to reject the pint that’s not poured correctly…or reject the bar that refuses to do it

  9. 5). Can’t stand James Joyce. HAH! You hear that?!? I CAN’T STAND JAMES JOYCE! AND I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR IN COLLEGE, TOO! I’M FREE, FREE I TELL YOU! FREE!!!!!
    Amen, brother.
    And put me down in the pro-Guinness camp. (Why do you oppress us so?)

  10. Come on people…OK, so Ulysses is long, and Finnegan’s Wake, to quote the lead singer of the Dubliners, is “all but incomprehensible,” but The Dubliners and Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man are stunning…and “The Dead” is a truly breathtaking masterpiece…a little credit where it’s due please.

  11. Biggs: “If they can dye the river green today, why can’t they dye it blue the other 364 days a year?”
    Samuel Gerard” “Biggs, do I know?”

    The Fugitive (1993)

  12. I will not waste my time defending the consensus #1 work of fiction from the 20th century, but simply prepare my long spammy pieces of fraternal battles of Shawn and Shem, night dreams of Humprey Chimpden Earwicker, and miscellaneous wisdom from the middenheap.
    I start now. Sip my Guinness with Bushmill chaser, listen to Clannad, and plot malevolence against thee.

  13. Whenever we meet, Thorley, remind me I owe you a Guinness. (Alternatively, if you’ve got a means for me to send you the price of a Guinness, let me know.)

  14. Jesurgislac:
    “But then I have no stake in this at all: I’m Scottish and I was never an English major.”
    Two of us in all three respects — may also explain why we butt heads often; not many more stubborn than the Albans… (:
    Moe:
    Have sympathy with all your points; never had to endure Irish cookery (apologies to any and all who defend said cookery) but I never really understood why Corned Beef existed…

  15. I like Guinness, but there’s better.
    Murphy’s Irish Stout, for one.
    Mackeson’s Triple Stout, for another.
    Old Peculier, for yet another.
    Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout, though it’s not Irish, is another.
    All of those are better than any Guinness I’ve ever had. That said, there’s more than a little variation in Guinness, and there’s even quite a difference between draft, can, and bottle. All three are quite different. A good Guinness is all you can ever really want; an Old Peculier that hasn’t sat in a hot storeroom for a year is a reward.

  16. and there’s even quite a difference between draft, can, and bottle.
    Yeah, like two of those three are not meant for human consumption…no wonder some folks here don’t like it.

  18. Actually, Edward, the bottled stuff (oops, there’s actually a fourth variety, “Draft” in bottles, which is different from the ordinary bottled stuff, and is that which I am speaking of) is pretty damned pleasant.

  19. What do you have against my dog? Guinness is a fine pup, loyal, brave and all that. And the the hell do you know what he tastes like?

  20. VRWC tasting privledges, Mac. We have a swatch of every puppy born for blending purposes. Be happy your dog doesn’t taste very good, or he wouldn’t be around very long.

  21. Thoughts on Irish cooking, a joke, as there are only so many ways you can serve boiled potatoes.
    On the Irish and beer, why have beer when you can have whiskey but if you must a pint of Harp ain’t bad and it is never green.
    On ther IRA, see cooking.
    On why everyone is Irish on St. Pat’s day, why not!
    On James Joyce, well I wasn’t an English major, so what exactly did Jimmy do?
    On the English and the Irish both lovely people but what funny accents; they also drive on the wrong side of the road, which makes a visit to the island(s) dangerous until you get the hang of always looking to your left.

  22. Jeez, Moe, reading this makes me want to go to O’Brien’s in Boston dressed in orange tonight. But I’m not that stupid.

  24. Does anybody else notice the obsession the Irish seem to have with themselves…It is an unfortunate quality that they don’t seem to understand is not healthy…”Glory only in the cross”-St. Paul

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