America: Where Anyone Can Run For Office!

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by hilzoy

Consider the Senate primary in Washington, taking place even as I write this post. I was reading TPMCafe’s Midterm Madness Primary Roundup, which mentions some (but not all!) of the odder candidates. For starters, there’s Michael Goodspaceguy Nelson, running on a platform of orbital space colonization. And there’s Mike the Mover (his actual name), whose campaign statement begins:

“Listen to the thunder, hear the Governor roar; Mike the Mover’s loose again, and knocking at the door! Load up the cannon, call out the law, ’cause it’s the biggest calamity folks have ever saw. Girls run and hide, brave men shiver, every time they think they hear the name of Mike the Mover.”

and ends:

“A message to Jenny Markum: Subject = Amber Alert.

A former Edmonds, Washington resident. Not seen since 1996. Call campaign headquarters ASAP (206)546.9545).”

Hmm.

You might think that it would be hard to match these candidates for sheer lunacy. But assuming that Mike the Mover is not fully in earnest, the Democrats have only one real lunatic, while the Republicans have two — and I’m not counting Brad Klippert, who seems to think that his run for the Senate is on a par with giving up his life: “Like the five brave men on flight 93, join me now as I stand up and step forward to make a positive difference!”, or Warren E. Hanson, whose statement begins: “Hello, I am Warren and I have a deep love of America”. (Nationalists Anonymous, anyone?)

There’s William Edward Chovil, a self-described “follower of: George Washington, Ronald Reagan, George S. Patton Junior, Ayn Rand, and John Galt”, and “an expert on Government — American Government, un-American Government, Socialism, Communism, The New-World-Order conspiracy, and International Trade agreements.” His statement begins:

“It is not illegal for Federal and State lawmakers to be practitioners of Democratic Communism and Socialism. But! Is it a good idea to elect and re-elect them?”

(I really like that ‘But!’)

It concludes:

“If you believe America can do better with more Americanism and less National and Global Communism and Socialism let me represent you in the United States Senate. If you believe America can do better with more National and Global Communism and Socialism and less Americanism I can’t help you.”

I think we can do better with more Americanism, meaning more concern for the values that our country has always aspired to, like fairness and the rule of law. I don’t particularly fancy more Communism, whether National or Global. And yet, strange to say, I wouldn’t vote for Mr. Chovil, even if I were a resident of Washington State and a Republican. Curious, that.

There’s also Gordon Allen Pross, whose statement defies mere summary:

“Imagine 100 people representing 100 percent of the American population to include 100 red headed Lincoln pennies representing all the money in America. Clearly, Congress legislated 59 Lincoln cents to 01 person, then 31 Lincoln cents to 4 people. Therefore 90 percent of the wealth is legislated to 5 percent namely “We the People.”

While 10 Lincoln pennies are legislated to 95 Americans, or 10 percent of the wealth legislated to 95 percent of the enslaved Americans. This is a 90 percent to 10 percent ratio. It was a snap for Congress to fix these numbers.

As your United States Senator, together it will be liberating turning this formula upside down so an American citizen will find equality in earning 10 red Lincoln cents through tithing 01 red Lincoln penny to govern. This one red headed Lincoln cent being the absolute one & only tax paid by an American citizen. Together we’ve found Your money for healthcare, education, career track and paid vacations.

When 100 percent pay 10 percent America’s domestic policy becomes equality guaranteed under the “Declaration of Independence!”

USA splits the one Taxed Lincoln cent equally three ways Federal, State and Local Governments receive a third, 33.33% times 3 equals 99.99%. With 00.01% left over for campaign finance reform. On a 11.1 trillion dollar gross nation product, one hundredth of one percent of a Lincoln penny is 10 billion 12 million to pay for Americas campaign from every city hall to the White House and all camps in between.

Now Americans can run against all lackluster incumbents, (vacated, vacating) seat with the same First Amendment voice as any candidate or incumbent. Like TV, radio, magazines, www., telephone, billboards, flyers. Now Washingtonians Vote justifiably abolishes censored auctions for public office.

Washingtonians proudly Resurrecting Sparks of Deity for First Amendment Primaries!”

Wow: one little primary offering so much entertainment! Sort of like the Weekly World News, only with potential real life consequences. I can scarcely imagine what I’d find if I looked more broadly. I do know this, though: sometime tonight, I’m going to be checking the web to see whether Mike the Mover broke into triple digits.

28 thoughts on “America: Where <i>Anyone</i> Can Run For Office!”

  2. While 10 Lincoln pennies are legislated to 95 Americans, or 10 percent of the wealth legislated to 95 percent of the enslaved Americans. This is a 90 percent to 10 percent ratio. It was a snap for Congress to fix these numbers.
    and there are four simultaneous days
    within a single Earth rotation!

  3. I’m kind of left wondering what it is that orbital space has on other kinds of space. And which kinds of space aren’t orbital?
    His blurb was also quite entertaining; the orbital-space-colonization part was the sane bit.

  5. Gary: It’s less that I think orbital space colonization is lunacy — I don’t support it, but this is not one of my more well-informed opinions, so it’s eminently changeable — but that I think that running on that as one’s main issue, and changing (I assume) one’s middle name to ‘Goodspaceguy’, and things like that, are loony. I’d feel almost the same way about someone who changed her middle name to ‘HealthSavingsAccountsAreATerribleIdeaAndTheSpawnOfSatan’, except that I think that stopping HSAs is slightly more important, and thus that making that one’s be-all and end-all is slightly less odd. But only slightly.

  7. That Pross bloke is utterly bonkers. I love the way his explanation is more difficult to understand than the thing he’s trying to explain. Best of all, though, is his mastery of the arcane knowledge of mathalchemy, the ability to turn recurring numbers into gold!

  8. Hilzoy, I don’t know how familiar you are with Washington state politics, but we have a glorious tradition of, um, non main-sequence parties.
    Back in the 70’s, when I first moved here, one of the local favorites was the Owl Party, which called upon us to “vote out the old scoundrels, and bring in new scoundrels!” The Owl Party was deliberately tongue-in-cheek. It was also much loved, and its candidates always got a few votes.

  10. What’s so lunatic about space colonization?”
    “Nothing, but I suspect the Goodspaceguy is building the space orbiter in his garage out of stale Cheetos and duct(k) tape with the odd beer can thrown in for structural integrity.
    If I were Jenny Marcum, I have a feeling I wouldn’t want Mike the Mover in any position of authority and issuing amber alerts in my direction.
    The ratio of pennies to sense in Mr. Pross’s campaign literature is incalculable unless you multiple it by the number times Ayn Rand AND John Galt are cited as role models by fringe libertarian/right candidates across the Nation.
    That would be like me saying Chuck Jones AND Daffy Duck are my role models. Which they are, but I wouldn’t base policy on it, unless hooting like a loon at city council meetings could be considered effective.

  12. Hilzoy, Washington State does seem to have a wealth of wackos running, but I believe the however-many-dozen candidates there were in last week’s primary in your own state demonstrated a fair bit of lunacy in their own right, including Daniel “Wig Man” Vovak, whose photo strangely does not include his colonial-style wig, but whose platform does include keeping Pluto a planet.
    We’ve had the Natural Law Party over here too, Jes.
    Here in DC we have to settle for city council candidates (sadly he managed to get 29 votes).

  13. unless hooting like a loon at city council meetings could be considered effective
    I thought that’s all that happened at those meetings.

  14. CaseyL: reminds me of the late, lamented Rhinoceros Party of Canada, which had the infamous party credo “a promise to keep none of our promises.”
    More on the Rhinos from This Canada:

    In the last election, Brian “Godzilla” Salmi, the veteran Rhino member and campaign manager for candidate Ben Mahoney:
    * Called on the Yukon Territory to change its name to GroupAction, and to invoice the federal government for $250-million in sponsorship fees.
    * Urged genetic modification of exotic animals so that they can live in the Yukon and battle it out on the streets of Whitehorse to increase tourism. “This will also give us an opportunity to answer that age-old question: Can a polar bear kick a lion’s ass?”
    These new platform planks built upon previous rich and irreverent policy directives of the Rhino Party in days gone by, such as:
    * repealing the law of gravity
    * paving the province of Manitoba to create the world’s largest parking lot
    * instituting illiteracy as Canada’s third official language
    * tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset; this would also have the benefit of providing Albertans with a few extra minutes of daylight
    * building sloping bicycle paths across the country so that Canadians could “coast from coast to coast”
    * annexing the United States, which would take its place as just another Territory in Canada’s backyard, in order to raise the average national temperature
    * breeding a mosquito that would only hatch in January so that “the little buggers will freeze to death”
    * turning Montreal’s rue Ste-Catherine into the world’s longest bowling alley
    * selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California
    * painting Canada’s coastal sea limits on the bottom of the ocean so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times
    * counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none are missing
    * banning lousy Canadian winters.
    Lest you think that the Rhino Party was all satire and no results, it’s fair to note that they were often Canada’s fourth political party in terms of votes on Election Day. They would sometimes come in second place in certain ridings, humiliating traditional Canadian parties in the process by splitting the vote.

    Jes: we had a version of the Natural Law Party (its most famous member was the late Doug Henning, who ran as a candidate in the ’93 federal election), but the party was de-registered by Elections Canada in 2003.
    Now we have another ‘fringe’ party that aims even higher…

  16. Speaking of changing names to run for office, I would never think it possible to win if a guy changed his name to:
    Buddythesescrapsofpaperinthisfilecabinetare
    nothingbutworthlessIOUs
    or
    Allgod’schildrendeservefreedomanda15%flattax
    evenifweneedtokillthelotofthem
    Just couldn’t happen. Not In America. Washington state, maybe. But not here. Not now.

  19. “I’m kind of left wondering what it is that orbital space has on other kinds of space.”
    Obviously it’s referring to Lagrange points. People have been writing about “orbitals” for decades. From Arthur Clarke to Bob Shaw’s “Orbitsville” and onward.
    Not a mystery.
    Picking on colloquial language isn’t always as hilarious to all as you seem to think it is, Slart.
    And it’s easy to engage in: “His blurb was also quite entertaining”
    Blurb? What do you mean, “blurb”? Did he write a book? What book blurb are you citing? Do you know what “blurb” means?
    Etc. See? Not entirely thigh-slapping.

  20. “Gary: It’s less that I think orbital space colonization is lunacy — I don’t support it, but this is not one of my more well-informed opinions, so it’s eminently changeable”
    I’ll work on it sometime; I think the only debate is the usual debate: timing and budget levels, not if.
    “– but that I think that running on that as one’s main issue, and changing (I assume) one’s middle name to ‘Goodspaceguy’, and things like that, are loony.”
    I dunno about this guy, who might be loony, but it’s a constant given in American politics that people do such things not because they have the slightest delusion that they’re going to be elected, but simply that for a couple of hundred bucks, they can give a lot of publicity to their pet cause. You’re aware of that, surely? (I assume so, but ask because your post and this reply give no indication that you are.)

  21. Jes: “Excuse me? I give you Screaming Lord Sutch and the Monster Raving Loony Party.”
    It would be, perhaps, useful, if you didn’t hallucinate the word “only” into Hilzoy’s statement, where it doesn’t exist (just as, say, Andrew said not a word about “preening”).
    The late Lord Sutch is very well known, but how he contradicts Hilzoy’s statement, I don’t know. I suspect a reading problem, instead.

  22. Obviously it’s referring to Lagrange points.
    Obviously for certain, if he’d ever mentioned Lagrange points. It’s not as if “Lagrange points” and “orbital space” are interchangeable.

    Picking on colloquial language isn’t always as hilarious to all as you seem to think it is, Slart.

    Mindreading; 5 yards. I wasn’t trying to be funny, and I have no idea what you think might be a colloquialism.

    Not entirely thigh-slapping.

    Agreed, but there’s a minor difference: you were endeavoring to be not-funny, while I was just asking a question.

  23. for a couple of hundred bucks, they can give a lot of publicity to their pet cause

    Yes, but not all publicity is good publicity. For example, people like Hilzoy will think they’re loony. But it may be worth it in many cases.

  24. Wow: Mike the Mover already has 3815 votes, and is in third! Well, third out of five, admittedly; and he’s trailing Cantwell by nearly 16,000 votes (out of maybe 17,500 that have been counted), but hey.
    I’m happy to report that Chovil and Pross are doing very badly. They have only about half as many votes as Mike the Mover does.

  25. I’m not surprised Mike the Mover has gotten as many votes as he has. He’s been around for quite awhile and has turned into something of the ritual “protest vote” here.
    The name actually has a good background story. In the 80’s, the moving industry in Washington was heavily regulated, licenses were tough to get, and prices were artificially high. This gave birth to a grey market moving industry, including one quite successful company headed by a guy known only as “Mike the Mover.” When the state started cracking down on unlicensed movers, Mike decided to run for office. When told he couldn’t run under his “trade name,” he legally changed his legal name to “Mike the Mover.” He didn’t win that time, either (I have no idea what he ran for — maybe King County Council), but the moving regulations were eventually eased.
    I guess the experience got Mike the Mover hooked on running for office, because he’s been a fixture ever since.

  26. Yet another post devoid of original content.

    Costa Ricans have big balls. The solar occultation I mentioned yesterday has revealed a new ring, as well as “wispy fingers of icy material stretching out tens of thousands of kilometers from the active moon, Enceladus.” Also, a fuzzy snapshot…

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