by hilzoy
Via Ezra Klein: this story is from the Guardian, not the Onion:
“Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts who have studied the US navy’s cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying ‘toxic dart’ guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet’s smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.
Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.
Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government’s marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped.
‘My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises. If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire,’ he said. ‘The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?’ Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. ‘The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?’ said Sheridan. (…)
The navy launched the classified Cetacean Intelligence Mission in San Diego in 1989, where dolphins, fitted with harnesses and small electrodes planted under their skin, were taught to patrol and protect Trident submarines in harbour and stationary warships at sea. Criticism from animal rights groups ensured the use of dolphins became more secretive. But the project gained impetus after the Yemen terror attack on the USS Cole in 2000. Dolphins have also been used to detect mines near an Iraqi port.”
I really haven’t thought through the question whether we should use dolphins not just for non-violent military purposes, like mine detection, but for killing people. So I’m sure that someone, in comments, will come up with some fascinating reason why it might be a good idea. But I have to say that off the top of my head, I really think we should allow other species to be neutral non-combatants in our wars. At least that would preclude other people from preemptively killing any dolphin they encounter, just in case it’s one of the ones we’ve armed with toxic dart guns.
Sheesh.
Afghanistan? Aghan?
From the article it sounds like the shooting is not for “killing people”, but for comparatively “non-violent” tranq-ing people instead. I’d like to think that the US military has seen enough bad horror movies about “trained to kill” non-humans to figure out that would be a bad idea.
As ridiculous as the whole story sounds, I find the notion that the dolphins were armed when they escaped pretty incredible. I doubt the Navy just leaves them locked and loaded in their pens.
Still, this all sounds vaguely reminiscent of an awful movie. If the dolphins start hunting down the lead scientist and his family, then we are in business.
Haven’t bats been used to disperse incendiary devices?
Or I could do some research first: The B-Bomb Project.
Why did I instantly think of Dr. Evil? And where are my laser beams?
Anyone else having Day of the Dolphin flashbacks?
Why did I instantly think of Dr. Evil? And where are my laser beams?
You mean “Where are my fikkin’ laser beams?”
Anyone else having Day of the Dolphin flashbacks?
Sadly, yes. *cleans brain thoroughly*
I want to take this seriously, but the laughter won’t stop. If someone dies from assault with a deadly cetacean, I’m going to feel like a heel.
I expect that they are going after the tuna fishermen as we speak, and good luck to them.
This, however, is from the Onion, and it was the first thing I thought of when I saw this piece.
I’ve wondered for years, if dolphins are so damn smart, how come they’re not getting armed and organized?
They were just waiting for the perfect opportunity.
“When Flipper….flips out!”
Cue ominous music…
But I have to say that off the top of my head, I really think we should allow other species to be neutral non-combatants in our wars.
Too late for man’s best friend:
You mean “Where are my fikkin’ laser beams?”
But are they ill-tempered?
It suddenly occurs to me that this sort of operation just begs to be given the designation:
TURSI-OPS
Which is, of course, the use of cetaceans for military porpoises.
Satire is now not just dead but extinct. Reality drove it to extinction by out-competing it for natural resources.
You probably all already know about him, but just on the off chance someone doesn’t: John Lilly.
Although a bit diffucult, Programming and Metaprogrammng in the Human Biocomputer is worth reading.
Don’t worry folks, everything is under control. Your squeaky little Western Imperialist dolphins will be no more than a tasty snack for my army of nuclear powered bionic squids. Mwah hah hah hah!
This story may or may not be relevant:
Seabees Provide Home for Dolphins Displaced During Katrina
That is the funniest thing Ive read this month.
This is another story about animals being used for military operations with a nice quote at the bottom about just how unreliable mine clearing dolphins are…
Defensetech – Flipper’s F**ked Mate
The pivotal story line in Day of the Dolphin was spoken by George C. Scott, with tears in his eyes, he tells his two dolphins “All men…bad.” And shatters their beliefs.
Very 1973.
Are we still studying psychokinesis too?
I think the story is a bit convoluted. While I believe it as a whole I doubt very much that the dolphins were locked and loaded.
Probably were wearing their communications harnesses though because the electrodes were supposedly planted under their skin so I doubt there were many times the harnesses were taken off.
Thinking of living things as “systems” seems wrong. Of course, it’s no more wrong than outfitting dolphins to kill people, but still.
“ Taking over from the sea lion shallow water intruder detection system, the dolphins, operated by Explosive Ordnance Disposal Mobile Unit 3, provide significant operational force protection capabilities to the 5th Fleet theater. The Navy’s selection of bottlenose dolphins and California sea lions for its operational systems is based on a variety of factors, one of the most important of which is their ability to work comfortably and effectively in a wide variety of environments.”
The dolphins, of course, are known as “the Mark 6 anti-swimmer dolphin system.”
Can anyone explain to me how dolphins are supposed to fire their darts without opposable thumbs?
“I really think we should allow other species to be neutral non-combatants in our wars.”
We sure never gave horses that option . . .
… or elephants. Or dogs. Or even pigeons.
Jack Lecou: Don’t worry folks, everything is under control. Your squeaky little Western Imperialist dolphins will be no more than a tasty snack for my army of nuclear powered bionic squids. Mwah hah hah hah!
Speaking of which.
The obvious response would be for an enemy to poison the seas preemptively. It would be a lot cheapter than just singling out the dolphins.
Jackmormon: Can anyone explain to me how dolphins are supposed to fire their darts without opposable thumbs?
They could bite them off humans…?
Well, there is that.
It looks, incidentally, as if no one has pointed out that this is largely a fat load of nonsense. Not about the Navy having trained dolphins, which is hardly news, but the notion that either a) they’re out fitted with toxic darts they can choose to launch (via direct nerve connection?; that would be possible now; via flipper? I doubt that); or b) there were Navy dolphins stationed on the Gulf Coast (not that that would be implausible). See also Snopes (and who wouldn’t with this sort of thing?).
Yes, yes, I’m a killjoy. But one unafraid of deranged lone dolphin gunmen!
I remain concerned about the Dr. Evil threat, of course.