Eating My Way to the Top

by

My local news anchors mocked it mercilessly last night. The Chicago Sun-Times notes that critics are comparing it to abstract art.  And Wonkette suggests it’s just the latest clandestine effort to spread the "gay agenda." For me it’s just too plain hideous to bother trying to work out what it means.

I’m talking, of course, of the Department of Agriculture’s new "food pyramid" (there are 12 actually, but do I really have to not care 12 times? that’s too much work). Here’s what they’re offering

And apparently you’re meant to find the pyramid that’s right for you. OK, to be fair, there is a handy online "My Pyramid" selector tool. Enter your age, sex, and physical activity level and you’ll get a personalized chart (eventually…apparently that website is receiving high volumes of traffic, because it took 15 minutes for my info to show up). You won’t be able to make any better sense of it than any of the others, but it feels nice to know you’re special.

The figure walking up the side of the Pyramid (the one with no torso, taking the steps two at a time, and apparently unaffected by gravity or the slant of the incline) is there to remind you to get your exercise. (Note to Department of Agriculture: You want to motivate me? Appeal to my vanity. Replace that stick cartoon with a good-looking, shirtless 20-something with abs of steel. [just kidding honey 😉 ].)

Here’s what I’m supposed to be eating:

Dark Green Vegetables = 3 cups weekly
Orange Vegetables = 2 cups weekly
Dry Beans & Peas = 3 cups weekly
Starchy Vegetables = 6 cups weekly
Other Vegetables = 7 cups weekly

Here’s what I’ll actually be eating:

Coffee with three spoons of sugar and milk = 7-9 cups weekly
Beer, whiskey, wine = countless cups weekly
Nachos and quesadillas = countless cups weekly
Plov, Laghman, other delicious, but fattening Kyrgyz dishes = 7 cups weekly (that is, so long as my partner doesn’t see my suggestion for the pyramid climber)
Assorted junk food = 6 cups weekly

UPDATE: For the record, my partner actually has abs of steel, and I only wish I did.

16 thoughts on “Eating My Way to the Top”

  1. three cups of dry beans per week ?
    i suppose it’ll be easier the second week when i won’t be tempted to chew them, having destroyed my teeth the first week.

  2. Dinner last night, ’cause we were lazy: a couple of forkfulls of pickled herring, 8 chocolate chip cookies, one Jamaican beer, and something I hope was artichoke salad at the back of the fridge. In that order.
    Out of popcorn.

  3. Edward: Plov, Laghman, other delicious, but fattening Kyrgyz dishes = 7 cups weekly (that is, so long as my partner doesn’t see my suggestion for the pyramid climber)
    Remember the Golden Rule of dieting, Ed: If it’s foreign, it’s non-fattening.
    cleek: i suppose it’ll be easier the second week when i won’t be tempted to chew them, having destroyed my teeth the first week.
    A day or two before my folks left their old house for good, I cooked a “scavenger’s chilli” with all the foodstuffs that were being left behind. Included in this mix was, I dunno, maybe four cups of dried pinto beans. I soaked them overnight then simmered them for about two hours in the chilli. Upon eating, the beans were like little rocks. “No problem”, says I, “We’ll just let it simmer longer!”
    Six hours later, the beef was beyond fork-tender, the broth was luscious and rich, the flavors were incredible… and the beans were still crunchy. They were still crunchy when we stashed the chilli in the fridge overnight and they were still crunchy the next day when we polished them off. And my dad has now added the phrase “crunchybeans!” (all one word) to our culinary lexicon, god rot him.
    Teach me to make chilli with 10-year old pinto beans.

  4. Coffee with three spoons of sugar and milk = 7-9 cups weekly
    Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I’m at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.

  5. Remember the Golden Rule of dieting, Ed: If it’s foreign, it’s non-fattening.
    I told myself that the first two years, but the ever-expanding waistline is arguing against it.
    Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I’m at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.
    I can’t sleep if I drink more than that…my body wants it, but I have to convince it otherwise. I’m impressed you ever sleep with all that Dew.

  7. Only seven to nine a week? Counting the Diet Mountain Dews, I’m at about 7-9 caffienated drinks a day.
    i have a 1/3 cup of tea each morning – never after 11am on a weekday. any more than that and i’m twitching like a fiend all day, and can’t sleep at night.

  15. The key to chocolate is to be a complete snob about it. Never eat bad chocolate. Eat only chocolate with a >70% cacao content from a reputable country (ie Belgium, Switzerland, France).

  16. Oh, absolutely, Dianne! I totally agree.
    Trader Joe’s has this organic dark chocolate that is 73% cacao — it’s like uncut heroin. Mmmm….

Comments are closed.