I’d like this to be an open thread on generosity and selflessness, two character traits I personally really need to work to better develop and which my partner is helping me with.
My partner observes Ramadan each year. Otherwise he’s not that religious, but he feels the way about Ramadan that I do about Christmas. It’s something to look forward to…a joyous time full of hope and remembrance.
I’m still learning about this holiest of holidays in Islam, but on the surface of it, there are some impressive aspects of it. Clearly it’s very demanding. For the entire month there’s no eating or drinking during daylight. There’s also no smoking, alcohol, or sexual relations during the fasting. There are incredibly detailed rules about the fasting as well.
My partner gets up at 4:00am to have some breakfast and then goes back to bed…by the end of the month this no longer wakes me up…fortunately for us, the days are currently getting shorter (my partner tends to get a wee bit grouchy when he’s hungry…I’m learning to be “busy at the gallery” until after nightfall…although the joy in his face when night finally falls during Ramadan, and the peace in his heart, is beautiful and inspiring).
This year, Laylat-al-Qadr (the Night of Power) falls on my partner’s birthday. He’s very excited about this…he sees it as an honor, even though it means he will not be able to celebrate as he normally would with a big party.
The other part of Ramadan that impresses me is its focus on giving to charity. Again, there are detailed guidelines for who is supposed to give how much, but the main focus seems to be a recognition of how fortunate you are the rest of the year.
My partner remains the single most generous human being I have ever met…bar none. This generosity comes from both his religion and his culture, but also from a family value deeply instilled by his parents. He tells of how his mother taught him to give without expectations because God wanted him to. The way he lives that lesson is a true inspiration. He’s changing my views on the value of this every day.
Bush and Kerry both struck a chord with me during the debates when they noted how they were both guided by the Christian principle of loving one’s neighbor as we love ourselves. I totally agree that we have “a lot more loving of our neighbor to do in this country.” It reminded me of something I read on the side of a warehouse in Brooklyn the other day:
This is what you shall do:
Love the earth and the sun and the animals;
despise riches, give alms to everyone who asks;
stand up for the stupid and crazy,
devote your income and labor to others;
hate tyrants;
argue not concerning God;
have patience and indulgence toward the people.
… re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book;
dismiss what insults your very soul,
and your very flesh shall become a great poem.
~ Walt Whitman
At the very least, aspire to do so…
Happy Ramadan!
A few years ago, I was watching a documentary about farmers in the sub-Sahara. One farmer was visited by a stranger from far away. He claimed kinship through a long line of relatives, and had come for help. He and his family had suffered some calamity, and were near destitute, and he asked for the gift of some animals. The farmer considered, and then parted with several, amounting to a significant portion of his total worth.
His son asked the farmer what he was thinking of. The man might have been a relative, or he might have been lying. Either way, they had not seen him before, and would probably never see him again.
The father explained that whether a relative or not, the man and his family were impoverished, and he must be desperate to travel so far seeking help. And, he added, “a poor man is a shame to us all.”
That, I think, was one of the most profound economic, social, and political statements that I think I’ve ever heard.
a poor man is a shame to us all
beautiful story d-p-u…thanks.
I was visiting London in the 1980s, and there were many, many homeless people, of whom the popular meme was that they were all drug addicts or drunks and in any case should be out there trying to get work, not sitting on the sidewalk wrapped in a blanket begging for money.
I was walking with a friend down a particular street, and we were hailed by a homeless person “spare any change?”
My friend stopped, dug in her wallet, produced a handful of coins, and dropped them in the cup: the homeless person said “Thank you,” and my friend said “You’re welcome,” and we walked on.
I asked her, when we were out of earshot, why she’d given this person any money – wouldn’t they just spend it on drugs or drink? Wasn’t she encouraging them to beg? (The person was, as I recall, young, able-bodied, healthy-looking.) What if they weren’t really homeless? (My friend wasn’t exactly well-off herself.)
She said “Maybe that one’s not. I don’t know. But plenty of them are, and I’d rather someone who didn’t need the money thought I was gullible, than someone who did need the money thought I didn’t care.”
I told her that was a very Christian way of looking at it, and she quoted, unexpectedly (she isn’t Jewish), a saying she said was from the Talmud: “Be grateful for noisy beggars – they remind you to do your duty.”
Well, what a coincidence, a Holbo thread placed Kierkeggaard on my lap. 30 dense pages on Matthew 22:39
“To choose a beloved, to find a friend, these are indeed complicated tasks, but a neighbour is easy to know, easy to find, if we will only…recognize our duty.”
“That by which the commandment about love to one’s neighbour and about love to one’s self become synonymous is not only this ‘as thyself’ but even more that word, ‘Thou shalt.'”
“This love can never become dependent in a false sense, for the only one it is dependent on is duty, and duty is the only emancipating power.”
“The love which underwent the change of eternity by becoming duty is not exempt from unhappiness, but it is saved from despair, in fortune and misfortune equally saved from despair.”
“There where you think yourself easily able to advise, there you must take the commandment for counsel;there where you would despairingly direct yourself, you must take the commandment as your counselor;but there where you do not know how to advise, there will the commandment give counsel, so that all is well.”
Wonderful post, Edward. I used to share a house with a muslim friend of mine, and Ramadan was something I always tried very hard to go through with him, at least the fasting part of it, as best I could. I definitely ate at the office more than a few times.
As to charity, I’m reminded of a scene from (in my opinion) Aaron Sorkin’s best work, Sports Night. This is from an episode in the first season, and Danny, one of the anchors, is in a sort of moral quandary about where he should donate money. He has been pestering people all through the show, and has ended up in the office of the managing editor, Isaac Jaffee:
There are other notable quotes from that show out there, but that episode is one I’m always moved by.
crutan
I’m hoping they’re gonna spend it on booze.
In my last two long-term residences, I’ve “adopted” a homeless neighbor. One I gave medical and other supplies, but never alcohol, feeling that would be to harm him in some way…now, with my new residence, and the new local guy, I give him a beer each time I bring home a case. I figure, I’m drinking more since 9/11 (although trying to cut back now)…and who am I to judge what he needs.
Generosity is a gift, but selflessness is trickier, I think, since it’s easier to mistake the self you want to be without for the one you lose track of only at your peril. Jeanette Winterson has a lovely passage about this:
An important thing, I think is to recognize the humanity of the recipients of our generosity. I’m not sure of their relevance, but I recall two incidents that made a huge impression on me.
1. Sorting through some old clothes that I intended to give away, I had put a suit – way too small, out of fashion – on the sofa. I happened to look out front and saw a thin man going through the trash, searching for anything of value. “Hey,” I said, playing Mr. Generous and holding the suit out, “you want a suit?”
He looked at my (only slightly) portly build, looked at himself, and said, “No, thanks. I don’t think it would fit.”
In that moment, it seemed to me, he asserted a dignity that I had overlooked.
2. Walking the dog, I went by the drugstore to pick up a prescription refill. Dogs are not allowed in CVS, so I asked a homeless man out front to keep an eye on the dog while I went in. “Glad to. I like dogs.” I got my refill and came out to find him playing happily with the dog. I started to put some money in his cup, only to hear him say, “that’s not necessary. I enjoyed taking care of him.”
Again, dignity, an assertion that he too is part of the human community.
These incidents stick way out in my mind. How they relate to Edward’s post is not clear to me, sorry. But they are important to me as reminders about how we should regard others. Keeping the lessons in mind may move us (or me) toward the goal he mentions.
It’s a great point Bernard. I usually go by what I’m told someone needs, rather than offering something randomly. But no one should be expected to exchange their dignity for a helping hand when they need one.
My sense of this was informed during a blizzard, when I lived in DC. I had to return my videos or pay a late fee, and despite it being not fit for man or beast outside, I trudged the four blocks to the video store about 8:30 at night. On the way back a man holding a 1/4 empty quart bottle of beer said “Excuse me.”
I generally got asked for money a dozen times a day in that neighborhood, and I was freezing and anxious to get home, so I muttered “Sorry, I don’t have any money,” and kept going.
“I didn’t ask you if you had any money,” he replied in a tone that stopped me in my tracks. He explained that he just wanted to talk to someone, anyone, before he finalized his plans. I was the only one dumb enough to be out in that weather, so he chose me. He explained that he was fed up, that he was unable to scrape together the $7 needed to wait out the storm in a shelter, that he was cold, that he was sick of living this way, and he was going to jump off a bridge in Georgetown.
At first I thought, if this is a ploy, it’s a good one. Then, it occurred to me, I can’t take that chance. I gave him the only money I had, a twenty, and wished him well. Before he turned back toward the shelter, he gave me the only thing he had, his beer, in return. I kept it in my kitchen for about a year as a reminder that each of those dozen of so people who pestered me for change each day also had their breaking points, they were as susceptible to stress as I was. I make a point of trying to look each person who asks me for money in the eye now, looking for some indication that I should perhaps pay more attention.
What a wonderful post. You didn’t mention anything about special foods for iftar (breaking of the fast at sundown)? Every Muslim country has it’s own preferred foods for breaking the fast and also treats that are only made during Ramadan (and moreover which make that Christmas fruitcake look even more like the unappetizing turd that it is.)
Here’s wishing your partner a Ramadan Mubarak! (Blessed Ramadan)
Taqabbala ‘llahu siyamahu (May God accept his fast)
Thank you Barry…that’s very kind.
I’m still learning about the traditions, and realizing that there are things my partner is too bashful to tell me would be appropriate for me to do. I sometimes wish he had more family here, this being such a family-oriented holiday. I’ll be sure to pass along your wishes though…thanks again.
great post edward and wonderful comments all around. Some of the comments here made me rack my brain as to if the subject of the poor in general ever came up in all this hooplah we call the debates. i could remember nothing more than ancillary discussion. considering how much poverty we have in this country as well as world-wide it is an important topic for two reasons: helping the poor is one of the most important tenets of Christianity and this religion is the predominate one in the US and the relationship between poverty and terrorism. it reminded me that terrorism is a tactic not innate in someone but made by circumstance and at the roots of someone who uses this tactic one will find poverty and a malignant neglect.
Edward, doubtless your partner has his own ideas, but this might give you some, too…