Levity

by

This an open thread for posting the funniest thing you’ve seen this week. I nominate this post. Excerpt:

You know, when I started this weblog, there weren’t so many weblogs around. Now there are more. I can’t take all the credit for that, but it’s something I’ve noticed.

But weblogging used to be real. It used to mean something. It used to be all about the kids. Now it’s all corporate. No one cares about anything anymore, except popularity. Maybe some of you can stand the hypocrisy. Not me. That scene’s dead, and it reeks of rot and corruption. No, wait: that’s what it used to be like to be a Rick Astley fan. Man, we thought 1985 would last forever.

Has this weblog changed the media in America? You bet it has. It used to be all about the news, and what the media thinks about the news, and what the media thinks about the media, and so on. Incestuous, cliquey, shallow, and fake. Now, it’s all about what I think about what you think about what the media thinks about the news. That’s a major improvement. If we can just get rid of all that stuff about the media, and the news, and you, it would be even better.

Political humor is allowed, within reason, but please do keep in mind that this is meant as a refuge from flame wars in other posts; try to keep it light and not bitter.

27 thoughts on “Levity”

  1. Futurama, Dr. Zoidberg. What could be funnier, you ask me, ha ha.
    Dr. Zoidberg: What are you moaning about? Just get on your claws and do the apology dance! (Starts doing a weird dance) Yadadadadadadadadada…
    … and …
    Dr. Zoidberg: And that’s how I got my new shell. It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday and I found it in the same dumpster but this one had a live raccoon inside. [Smacks his mouthflaps]

  2. Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, said in this article that The Giants would be heading home with an 0-2 deficit, just as the Dodgers are …
    AHAHAHHA, as if Jason Schmidt and Kirk Reuter couldn’t have gotten us a split coming back to SBC to face Lowery and Tomko and then another dose of Schmidt if needed in game 5. AHAHHAHAHAHAHHA.
    Sorry, well, it was funny to me.

  4. Oooh, Ooooh, yeah, Family Guy. Peter is having breakfast and says to Brian the dog that his bowl of cereal is posessed and is spelling out stuff.
    Brian: What’s it spelling Peter.
    Peter: Ooooooooo
    Brian: Those are Cheerios you idiot.

  5. Stole….er, “appropriated” from Tacitus

    Leno: What’s your plan for tomorrow night’s debate?
    Bush: Build on my success from the first debate.
    [laughter]
    Leno: Your success in the first debate? (laugh) In what way was the first debate a success for you, Mr. President?
    Bush: I successfully lowered expectations for the second debate.

  6. Easy. From the hysterically funny blog Go Fug Yourself:

    I’ll grant that Trishelle usually looks worse than this, but it doesn’t negate the fact that she’s wearing a red satin sack that appears to be fitted only slightly, and down by her pelvis. She probably just wants to draw attention to her favorite and most-used body part, but instead it just makes her look like she has a drawstring. But the worst part — it’s more visible on a close-up — is the little swatch of flesh-toned fabric poking out on her left shoulder. Yes, Trishelle wore a high, v-necked camisole under this low, straight-cut camisole-style dress. She looks like Miss Hannigan.
    The lesson here: Miss Hannigan, while the real hero of Annie, dresses less for public consumption and more for bathtub gin consumption. So unless Trishelle is on her way to locking herself in the lav with a glass, a ladel, and a giant paddle for stirring, then she’s wearing the wrong thing.

  9. Phil: Yeah, but on second thought, if you haven’t actually seen the dance, it doesn’t translate to well to text.
    However, my kids are all big Zoidberg fans. Imagine scolding a child, there’s a pause, then the kid crouches, sidles, snapping their claws in the air, and says “yadadadadadadadadada…” in Zoidberg’s voice.
    Hard to keep scowling when that happens.

  10. i liked this (from Salon)

      Marlon Brando’s friends and family are reportedly objecting to rumors that the late actor was reclusive and destitute at the end of his life, saying he liked to go out and that his estate is valued at somewhere around $22 million. But at a gathering of people close to Brando a few days after his death in July, Ed Bedgley Jr. shared a story that either raises questions about Brando’s grip on reality or proves he had one heckova deadpan sense of humor: Begley recalled how Brando at one point summoned him to his estate on an urgent matter — a plan to acquire thousands of electric eels. “‘We’re going to run the house on the eels,'” he said Brando told him. And when Begley pooh-poohed the plan, Brando muttered, “‘Everything’s no with you.'” Says Begley, “I don’t know if he was kidding. To the day he died he never let on.”

    and then there’s a bit from Izzle Pfaff about the Presidential debate he didn’t watch:

      Lehrer: Mr. President, you’ve maintained that the war in Iraq was justified for reasons having to do with–
      Bush: [makes human beatbox noises while inexpertly poppin’ and lockin’]
      Lehrer: Mr. President?
      Bush: Shut up a second. I’m courtin’ black votes as we speak.
      Lehrer: This is not what–
      Bush: [blinks eyes rapidly] Goddamn if that Grandmaster Flash doesn’t give me the f*ckin’ twirls! I gotta play this for Dick. He’ll sh*t his livin’ heart!
      [Kerry looks despondent for a moment, and then attempts to flash a Crip sign, but hurts his back. As he writhes for a moment, Bush mouths the word “fag” to the camera while pointing at the incapacitated Kerry.]

  11. Oh my God.
    From same link:

    Lehrer: Gentlemen, I ask both of you: tits? Or ass? Senator?
    Kerry: Mr. Moderator, I thank you for the opportunity to speak out on this question. America, since its infancy, has long had a dichotomy involving the elements of your query, and after much thought . . .
    Bush: Tits.
    Kerry: [sotto voce] Damn. There goes Michigan

    Edwards/Cheney is not quite as good, but has its moments

    Cheney: In closing, my opponent’s arguments have been so laughable and, dare I say, fruity, that I am comfortable sitting down and eating these Chicken Nibblers during his closing arguments. Thank you.
    Moderator: Mr. Edwards?
    Edwards: (He begins talking about tort reform; the audience stares wistfully at Cheney’s Chicken Nibblers. Suddenly, Cheney clutches his chest and moans horribly.)
    Cheney: My! Heart!
    Moderator: Call 911!
    Edwards: (Cheerfully) I’m sure Mr. Cheney would hate for valuable tax dollars to be wasted on emergency response when he is well covered. I’ll send a fax to his HMO. I’m sure they’ll get a hold of his primary care physician vacationing in the Yucatan.
    Moderator: (Thrusting a microphone into Cheney’s purpling face) Mr. Vice President! Mr. Vice President!
    Cheney: (Weakly) . . . go . . . Yankees . . .

  12. Rodney D.
    r.i.p.

    “I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

  13. The funniest thing I have read all week is Fafnir’s plan for how to get out of Iraq, which was posted months ago, but never gets old.

    In the middle of the night while everybody in Iraq is sleepin we pack up all our stuff, tanks, bombs, guns, tents, extra buildings and everything, and stuff it into our planes and helicopters so we can get out real fast at the drop of a hat – a fast hat. Then we will have specially trained troops sent out to each Iraqi home with cords attached to their backs and wait until sunrise and when all the Iraqi families start to wake up yawning and stretching and so on our troops jump out waving wiggly fingers and goin “It was allllll a dream… it was alllllll a dream!”
    The wiggly fingers here are very crtical here and if not done correctly could spoil everything.
    Then our troops will jump back an get pulled up into the sky by the cords on their backs (remember them?) and all our guys will fly out quickly into the Persian Gulf and onto our carriers which will have been cleverly disguised as a group of banana boats from the Carribbean blown off course by prevailing winds. We will have hand-painted* signs that say “Sorry no bananas Iraqis” in case Iraqis try to buy bananas from our aircraft carriers.
    When the Iraqis wake up to see the wiggly fingers and the disappeared Americans they will be confused, and then they will all go “Huh! That must have been a weird dream” an then they talk to their next-door Itaqis who say “did you have that weird dream” and they say “you mean the one where the Americans come and overthrow Saddam Hussein and first we are all happy and then we get sad and then angry and blowing things and people up?” and then they say again “Yes, that dream! I had it for the last year or so it must have been a recurring one.” And they will say “Whoa weird” and “What happened to Saddam Hussein” and “He seems to be gone now! I guess we had better go build our own sovereign democratic state here, perhaps aided by the United Nations” and “Wow that sounds like a great idea!”
    Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “Fafnir the wiggly fingers while potent cannot possibly be enough to convince 22 million Iraqis that they have been asleep and dreaming for the last fourteen months.” I recognize that which is why we will also have the smoke machines to add to the effect. The best part about the smoke machines is they give a place a tasteful dream sequence ambience while also coverin up aerial escape route. We will also have to get every other country which isn’t Iraq to go along with the whole dream story but since everyone just wants this thing to be over it seems pretty doable, and countries have been pretty good at keepin secrets together before like that time everybody was throwin a birthday party for Bulgaria and everyone else was pretending they had forgotten Bulgaria’s birthday and then China and Denmark are all “C’mon Bulgaria let’s go out to dinner at this little Italian restaurant” and as soon as Bulgaria gets into the back room, “SURPRISE!” Ha ha, what a great time that was. And then Greece opened fire on Turkey again.

  16. http://www.jaypinkerton.com/newsskim/archives/000463.html
    News Skim Sued By Jimmy Fallon…
    …again, this time for our paraphrasing of the insults we made about Jimmy Fallon in the first article we were sued over. News Skim would like to fully retract our insinuation that Jimmy Fallon is annoying or self-absorbed, as well as the allegation that Fallon inserts a heart-shaped mirror into his anus with the intent to love himself. To the best of News Skim’s knowledge, the only objects that Jimmy Fallon has inserted into his anus have been:
    * pictures of Jimmy Fallon
    * pictures of Jimmy Fallon with carefully dishevelled hair
    * articles praising Fallon
    * one baseball
    * oversized comedy baseball one might win as a ringtoss prize at a fair
    * Assortment of salted nuts
    * Richard Gere’s face

  17. Since Edward posted my Leno quote 🙂 I hereby submit this joke cribbed from Sullivan:
    How many Bush officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None. “There’s nothing wrong with that light bulb. It has served us honorably. When you say it’s burned out, you’re giving encouragement to the forces of darkness. Once we install a light bulb, we never, ever change it. Real men don’t need artificial light.” – from Steve Chapman,

  18. Since Edward posted my Leno quote 🙂
    my bad ;-(
    what’s that Picasso said? “Good artists borrow…great artists steal!”
    Enjoy the debates all!!!

  23. The entire story of Lord of the Rings in chicken-answers. The old “Why did the chicken…?” asked of various denizens of Middle-earth:
    Elrond: I saw Gil-galad cross his road.
    Gloin: I have never heard that the Dwarves made the chicken cross the road.
    Legolas: I have never heard that the Elves did, either.
    Donald Rumsfield: I have heard no convincing evidence that connects either the Elves or the Dwarves with the chicken.
    Bilbo: Huh? Wha? Oh, the chicken. I have a rather nice poem about that, somewhere around here…
    Mt. Caradhras: Ain’t no chicken crossing me!
    ===
    It gets better, too…

  27. From Websnark:

    But there’s something deeply appealing about the idea that God accidentally knocked his Kraft Dinner over and it rained down to the Israelites, sustaining them on their arduous journey. And God looking both ways and saying “no, I meant to do that. Seriously. Uh… behold!“

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