Why Is This Freak Still Alive?

OK, so someone has to say it: Why is Osama bin Laden still alive? I know our intelligence sucks, but nearly three years later, and this dog’s vomit of a human being is still being credited for nonsense like this?

Al-Qaeda is reportedly planning a high-level assassination against a US or foreign leader to disrupt the US presidential election, that will be set in motion by a new tape from its leader Osama bin Laden.

I guess you could interpret a “new tape” as an old tape that just hasn’t been released yet and still argue odds are he’s actually dead, but that’s not how it initially reads. And besides, the last tape that surfaced was declared to be “probably…the voice of bin Laden and…the mention of the March 11 Madrid train bombings shows that the tape was current. “

But that’s all just to get your attention. Here’s the real message being sent in this Yahoo article (first published in The Washington Times):

Quoting from unnamed US intelligence officials, The Washington Times said besides the United States, two possible places where the assassination would take place are Saudi Arabia and Yemen.

The assassination would signal the launch of more terrorist attacks involving “multiple targets in multiple venues” across the United States, the officials said.

They said the “very detailed” plans were found on a laptop computer of suspected Al-Qaeda computer expert Naeem Noor Khan, arrested in Pakistan last month.

“The goal of the next attack is twofold: to damage the US economy and to undermine the US election,” an intelligence official said, referring to the November 2 presidential election pitting Republican President George W. Bush and Democrat John Kerry.

“The view of Al-Qaeda is ‘anybody but Bush,'” said the official.

OK, this back and forth is confusing: the WashTimes actually published this:

“The goal of the next attack is twofold: to damage the U.S. economy and to undermine the U.S. election,” the official said. “The view of al Qaeda is ‘anybody but Bush.’ ”

This is so asinine it hardly deserves comment, except to note that any unnamed US official close enough to Al Qaeda to know that they want Kerry to win ought to be coughing up more valuable information than assasination attempts in Yemen.

24 thoughts on “Why Is This Freak Still Alive?”

  1. Sorry Edward, but Osama is definitely an ABB-er. Fafblog had this story months ago. The real question is why it’s taken mainstream media* so long to catch on.

    FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how’s evil doin?
    OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir!
    FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil.
    OBL: Not THIS time! This time I’m hatching my most diabolical scheme ever – my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president!
    FB: Oh no!
    OBL: Oh yes! I’m going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants… O-sama gets…
    FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why?
    OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care!
    FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden.
    OBL: For it is written, “Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured.”
    FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate.
    OBL: But it is not just John Kerry’s domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient “police and intelligence operation” approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach… then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you!
    FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden!
    OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball!
    FB: Oh no!

    Heh. Indeed.
    *Or, if you prefer, the Cult Leader & Supplier of North Korean submarines media

  2. FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE! The new Bin Laden audio tape thanks embattled Islamic militants along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border for “their lifetime of strength and service”, and promises them that “help is on the way”!
    NY POST EXCLUSIVE! Musab Al Zarqawi decries the existence of “Two jihads–one for Iraqis and one for everyone else; one which is on the verge of acquiring radiological weapons, and one which doesn’t even have enough TNT.” He urges Al Qaeda members to work to build one Jihad.
    !!!!!

  3. Well, it is possible that intelligence officials have recieved al Qaeda communications that explicitly said that they do not want Bush to win the election. Or, maybe this guy is just giving his opinion.
    Note that even an explicit al Qaeda desire for Bush to lose does not necessarily mean that his losing would be best for them. Although, I suppose that I do believe that.

  4. If you read the extremely important Atlantic article I linked to here, you’ll see that the idea that Al Qaeda speaks with one voice is simply untrue. They’re as unified as the Democratic Party is at any normal time.

  5. Well, it is possible that intelligence officials have recieved al Qaeda communications that explicitly said that they do not want Bush to win the election.
    If a terrorist group publically say they want someone to win an election, isn’t that pretty much a not-too-subtle tactic to elect that person’s opponent?
    I mean, let’s say a supervillan like Dr. Evil started campaigning for Kerry. Dr. Evil is so insanely evil and generally hated that an endorsement of Kerry would be tantamount to endorsing Bush, wouldn’t it? About the same impact that an endorsement by the Washington DC Sheep-Worriers Association would have. A paradoxical influence, that is.
    So wouldn’t this mean that al-Q is actually hoping that Bush will win? Assuming, of course, that they are clever enough to understand this tactic.
    But wait, terrorist by nature are evil and not to be trusted. There is a possibility that they are very clever indeed, and understand that if they use this tactic, someone will figure out what they’re tyring to do, so they’ll actually endorse the candidate they really want.
    Unless they’re evil and stupid, or evil and really, really smart, in which case, um, hold on, phew, I gotta lie down for a minute.

  6. double-plus-ungood: They were both poisoned. I spent the last two years building up an immunity to democracy powder.

  7. I’m deeply, doubly grateful to double-plus-ungood: not only for the present laughter, but for the future quoting when some wingnut tries to quote me this WT article to “prove” that all loyal Americans should vote Bush.
    The reason Osama bin Laden is still alive is because it’s now recognized that the real threat to US citizens isn’t terrorist attack… it’s inappropriate books.
    And I wish I was joking. Stargate SG1 fandom is apparently a major threat, too.

  8. Respected Military/Intelligence Reporter: Bin Laden Plans Major Assasination

    This was the story I frankly had expected to see months ago — and it has considerable credibility since it comes from the Washiongton Times’ terrorism/intelligence/military expert Bill Gertz: U.S. intelligence officials say a high-profile political as…

  9. October Surprise! Somebody manages to decode the “Reverse Psychology” subdirectory in Khan’s laptop! Tens of millions of voters unsure how to proceed!
    Lucky we have Diebold to help us make our choices for us.

  10. “Stargate SG1 fandom is apparently a major threat, too.”
    I blogged this myself, but I assume you’re joking, since what was at issue there was not “Stargate SG1 fandom,” let alone “sf fandom,” as you asserted even more sweepingly in your journal (another jape, I assume), but copyright violaters. Which is a sufficient issue, as the question is: should the Patriot Act provisions be applied towards ordinary violations of statute. John Ashcroft believes “yes.” Not everyone is likely to agree.
    (I assume you were joking because I assume you are bright enough to not take the somewhat less than fully honest claims made by the person the FBI raided at face value, for reasons I touched on here.)

  11. Ugh. Please do not assume that I wanted to get into this discussion again about who various terrorist groups may or may not want to win. Please. It is useless speculation.
    I was just mentioning something obvious in that this fellow may have been privy to a communication by a high level al Qaeda member indicating their preference, or at least the preference of said member. And then I said that it could be just an opinion.

  12. If we could only get Zogby or Gallup to poll international Islamist terrorist groups then we could be sure to know who to vote against. I expect they would have to do a poll for registered terrorists and one for terrorists likely to commit terror against American targets. We may be able to insure accurate results if we apply phone wires to their genitallia. I understand that the margin of error is greater among naked people pyramids.

  13. Gary, I have my doubts about your analogy, which I’ll go into further in your blog: but you know, if I really thought that SF fandom was under attack by the PATRIOT Act I would have gone into it in rather more detail.
    I do think, genuinely, that one reason why the “war against terror” has been so unsuccessful is because the current administration has treated it as the perfect excuse to get all sorts of other things done that they’ve always wanted to do and can now do under the excuse of “fighting terrorism”.

  14. The same source said the sales of ‘ABB’ shirts in Kabul have sky rocketed and Najaf, “You can’t keep those things on the shelves in Najaf.”

  15. more seriously, on the threat of assassination in general: it would be awful. But I don’t think it would do much to advance Al Qaeda’s goals compared to say, the assassination of Pervez Musharraf or Hamid Karzai. And those two are located in countries where Al Qaeda has many more members and supporters than here, and they are not guarded by the U.S. secret service.
    Insofar as their goal is to kill people and cause fear and make headlines, assassination of a U.S. presidential candidate would be an excellent means. But as far as total number of deaths and long term strategy, it seems useless (I don’t think Edwards’ or Cheney’s policies would be very different from Kerry’s or Bush’s, and the effect on whether the Democratic or Republican candidate wins is hard to predict even if Al Qaeda actually had a preference) to counterproductive (depending on whether it increased sympathy to the U.S. & willingness to work with us in the rest of the world).
    And it’s harder to take anything these unnamed intelligence officials say seriously after that dumb “anybody but Bush” remark. Even if there is Al Qaeda chatter about how they need a Kerry presidency–and there probably is, but there’s probably just as much chatter about how they need 4 more years of Bush to keep their recruiting on track–I really find it hard to believe that they’re using the same phrases as Democratic bumper stickers. The phrasing takes this from “dumb, self serving speculation” into “assisine and not worthy of a serious response.”

  16. “But as far as total number of deaths and long term strategy, it seems useless (I don’t think Edwards’ or Cheney’s policies would be very different from Kerry’s or Bush’s….”
    My assumption was that, if they were smart and assassinating Americans (and I don’t believe that’s what they were talking about, but never mind), that al Qaeda would assassinate Kerry so many paranoid Democrats would be convinced that Bush/Cheney was behind it; I can’t think of anything that could cause greater turmoil with a single death.

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