Seeing as von has scooped me on the most interesting story coming out of Iraq – this will teach me to do things like cook dinner and talk to my girlfriend when I should be blogging – I will instead note this Slate article (via Sullivan) that attempts to categorize the various types of Jesii.
Piker.
From pages 110-111 of The Book of the SubGenius (translation: be prepared for a rant, my droogies):
…or that between now and 2178 Earth will be under constant invasion by horde upon horde of False Jesii, working for all the various rival gangs of infra- and extra-terrestrials we’ve mentioned so far and then some, and we won’t know who to believe except “Bob”, and maybe the Real Fightin’ Jesus if he isn’t actually out to get back at us, because we’ll have so many to pick from, there’ll be the New Jesus, the Old-Time Jesus, the WereJesus, the 900 Foot Tall Jesus, the Astronaut Jesus, the Lady Jesus, the Animal Jesus or the Four-Legged Jesus anyway, the Singin’ Jesus, the Upside-Down Jesus, the Yeti Jesus, the 50-Yard Line Jesus, the Baby Rodan Jesus, the Cussin’ Jesus, he don’t take shit from nobody, he lights a whole book o’matches all once and holds it in his hands, the Jesus of Steel! And the Jesus you LEAST EXPECT, he seems like JUST SOME KOOK, the Small Jesus, the Will Jesus and the Won’t Jesus, the Throw-The-Book-At-Em Jesus and the Just-Let-It-All-Hang-Out Jesus, the 6-Gun Cowboy Jesus, he came bustin’ through that barroom door, wearin’ nothing but those CHAPS!, and the ‘Frop Jesus, and the Headless Golfer Jesus, and the Rebel Jesus, and the Homo Jesus, and the Vampire Jesus who gave His blood for you and now WANTS IT BACK, the Hitch-Hikin’ Jesus, the Comedian Jesus, the god damn ATHEIST JESUS, the scary monster Jesus, the blind deaf and dumb Jesus, Jesus Can You Hear Me, the mean hobblin’ old cantankerous Jesus, the Satellite Jesus, the Psycho Killer Jesus, that web-slinging Jesus, the SALESMAN JESUS, THE PIPE-SMOKIN’ JESUS, and the TEN MILLION SUBJESIUSES, but maybe somewhere in there there just might be the Plain Old Jesus.
(pause)
Yes, I was an interesting fellow who read interesting books in grad school. Too interesting, really, which is why I don’t have a Master’s Degree.
The wife has been away a bit. Thus, the constant blogging.
If a Discordian can’t figure you out, you’re a subGenius.
Incidentally, drawing from New Testament Latin, “Jesus” is actually a fourth-declension noun; its plural would be “Jesus”, with a macron over the “u”.
(While I’m on the subject, “virus” is also a fourth-declension noun, and thus is not pluralized “viri” or “virii” in any form; in fact, “virus” in Latin has no plural, either because “bad stuff” is hard to pluralize – “bad stuffs”? – or because the Romans didn’t want to tempt fate.)
</pet peeve>