We have apparently entered into a surreal portion of Election 2004, so why not link to this Onion article?
Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress.
FANG ISLAND—U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has opened his fortified island headquarters to participants in his second no-holds-barred martial arts tournament, the enigmatic mastermind announced Monday.
“Warriors of the world, hear me,” said Rumsfeld, seated on the onyx throne overlooking the fighting arena at the island’s central volcano, surrounded by a phalanx of exotic but murderous beauties and his seven-foot-tall guard Omarra. “I declare the Eagle Fist all-styles, hand-to-hand combat world championship open once more. For the next 10 days, the world’s mightiest fighters will come together here at Fang Island to compete for a prize of $1 million and the post of Associate Secretary Of Full-Contact Defense!”
I think that it’s obvious that I will be attending, myself: the money is useful, but I require the position more. It has been almost half a decade since I was induced to… leave… the remote monastery that teaches the ancient and esoteric skill of Library Ninjitsu; I will in triumph, one day, but the way would be smoothed if I did so in from a position of strength. Oh, yes.
All will fall before my Thousand Hand Sorting Kung Fu!
(Via Chefyamabushi)
Watch out for Jackie Chan as Lee-break-neck guard #4
But we all thought the Clan of Dewey had been wiped out!
That’s the coolest picture of Donald Rumsfeld ever. I wish he really wore that outfit all the time.
When did the Onion switch to straight news reporting?
“But we all thought the Clan of Dewey had been wiped out!”
Speak not of the heretics of the Ten-Fold Path. Their kung fu was weak and their line now scattered; they fell before the might of the monks of the Monticello Temple long ago, and will not return.
Moe, when you go, just remember: up-back-high kick
low punch-low punch-down
high kick-high punch-towards (simultaneously)
Victory will be yours!
You have offended my family…
…and you have offended a Shaolin Temple.
Heh. Both those who love Rumsfeld and those who hate him love this one, judging by the reactions of those I’ve shown it to.
The entire Rumsfeld fighting repetoire.