What, They’re STILL Getting People With That One?

Great Googley Moogley:

ALISO VIEJO, Calif. (AP) – City officials were so concerned about the potentially dangerous properties of dihydrogen monoxide that they considered banning foam cups after they learned the chemical was used in their production.

(Via Instapundit)

Please note that I am assuming that our readers here have been sufficiently educated to get the joke right away.

Anyway, this was the last straw: I’m now calling for a Department of Slapping People Who Should Have Known Better in the Face with a Wet Halibut. Much as I hate to increase the size of the government, I’m not a hardshell libertarian. There are times and places, and that’s here and now:

My Modest Strictures for Setting Up a Department of Slapping People Who Should Have Known Better in the Face With a Wet Halibut

1). We make this one a Cabinet-level appointment. This one’s going to make lots of enemies, fast.

2). No elected officials at the federal level. Yeah, some of you want to slap Bush in the face – and some of you want to slap Kerry in the face. Or Nader. Hey, wait, Nader’s not elected, so there’s a loophole there. Seriously, we’re having enough tit-for-tat crap going on right now to add to it – besides, staff and, yes, Cabinet-level officials are still fair game, dig?

3). Only one Halibut per action. No matter how dumbass you thought it was. The Halibut must also not be frozen, rotting and/or doctored to do actual damage.

4). All Halibutting to take place by random drawing of an entry from a national lottery. The lucky winner will be given a warrant (suitable for framing) and a halibut (not suitable for framing). After clearing one’s choice with the agency, the lucky winner may approach the target of his or her choice during normal working hours. Failure to submit to the Halibut will be deemed as a de facto resignation of his or her position, but the target still will be liable for Halibutting until the lucky winner either gets one good hit in, or decides to stop the chase (whichever comes first). I’m thinking scratch-offs: this baby could be made self-financing real quick.

5). There is a 5: no paybacks for being Halibutted. Attempting to do so will be deemed to be a waver of one’s right of immunity from double jeopardy – specifically double jeopardy regarding Rule #3.