I got sent this link by another blogger (who I suspect may want to remain nameless*): ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ WINS DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION:
In naming the hugely profitable “Rings” sequel as its nominee, the Democratic Party broke with a longstanding tradition of nominating a human to head its ticket, with the exception of the year 2000 when it nominated Al Gore.
Peter Jackson, the director of the acclaimed “Rings” series, said he was “flabbergasted” by the Democrats’ decision to have his latest film square off against President Bush in the fall election.
“This is a very flattering comment on our movie,” Mr. Jackson told reporters. “Either that, or they think Kerry is a stiff.”
I don’t think that I’ve actually read Borowitz before; based on this and this he’s all over the map, partisanly speaking. A pity that it’s not true, actually; a Democrat who was as pro-war as the LotR films were would be a temptation (we’re talking Ninja-levels here, you understand) for me, although I’d be a little leery even so of the anti-tech leanings. Gimli would make a excellent Secretary of Defense**… actually, no. My mistake. He’d make a perfect Secretary of War. It’s a little thing, to be sure – but I have some faint hope that some day a President will look at the letterhead, snort derisively and write out an Executive Order changing the name back.
Then again, I’m sort of strange.
Moe
*Well, it’s not up at the website, at least. Should said blogger want to take the blame, I’ll update accordingly.
**Legolas gets State, being an Elf and everything; they have excellent bladder control, never sleep and never age, which makes them really good diplomats (they can outwait you, and both you and they know it). I’ll let anybody who’s interested come up with the rest.
I suggest:
Gandalf: National Security Advisor
Aragorn: Health & Human Services (for his royal healing abilities)
Faramir: Homeland Security
Radagast the Brown: EPA (since all he cared about was animals)
Tom Bombadil: Interior (his little enclave is like a National Park)
Treebeard: Agriculture (since it includes the Forest Service)
Hmmm. Well, in keeping with the original spirit of the post, let me take a stab at this.
Treebeard gets either Agriculture or EPA. Then again, getting him through the Senate confirmation hearing would take forever. Bug or feature? You make the call.
Galadriel gets Health and Human Services.
Elrond gets Veterans Affairs. “We will provide a network of Houses of Healing for those who have labored long in service to the realm.”
Aragorn gets Transportation — after all, who knows more about getting around than he does, right?
Eowyn gets Labor, since she knows all about getting stuck with the crapjobs that nobody else wants.
Faramir gets Interior, since it’s a place where he can work for the rest of his life without anyone ever noticing. Why should anything ever change for Faramir?
Gandalf gets to be Attorney General, or maybe CIA Director. Hey, if you can put a whuppin’ on a Balrog, you ought to be able to get CIA straightened out, right?
Boromir gets… to be dead, actually. Stupid Orcs.
Frodo gets to stay home and mope. No cushy government job for the Ringbearer!
Sam gets whichever job Treebeard doesn’t get.
Eomer gets Treasury. Trust me, that dude knows all about making the money roll in. Don’t ask a lot of questions about where it came from — you’re better off not knowing.
Merry gets to be Chief of Staff, since that little hobbit can make things happen without anyone actually realizing it until afterwards.
Pippin gets to be in charge of the Office of Drug Control Policy, because that’s just where the country needs to have an ignorant jackass, after all.
“My mistake. He’d make a perfect Secretary of War. It’s a little thing, to be sure – but I have some faint hope that some day a President will look at the letterhead, snort derisively and write out an Executive Order changing the name back.”
And then we can change the rather creepily named “Dept. of Homeland Security” back to its proper name: “Department of Defense.”
I suggested these when the whole name debate first came up.
No, I sent it to you so *you* could post it. I don’t have the proper geek creds.
GIVE IT TO THEM! GIVE THEM THE OSCAR! GIVE IT TO THEM!!!!