While perusing the frozen food aisle at my local supermarket, I came upon it. The Sealed, Crustless, Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich (SCPB&J Sandwich). Stunned, my jaw dropped. I started to boil over with excitement, like water reaching 212 degrees Fahrenheit for the first time.
Sure, I knew the SCPP&J Sandwich, but only from the dry text of U.S. Patent No. 6004596. Here was the SCPB&J sandwich in all its frozen, crustless glory. Glistening behind the foggy freezer door, it was a proud testament to the ingenuity and skill of the food-masters Smuckers (not to mention the brilliance and efficiency of the United States Patent and Tradmark Office).
Would the reality of the SCPB&J sandwich live up to claims of its patent? Or would the SCPB&J turn out to be as disappointing in practice as the much-ballyhooed Bird Diaper, or as difficult to master as the beautiful-yet-dangerous method of swinging on a swing?* Only one thing would reveal the truth. I bought the SCPB&J, and prepared the trusty von-crowave.
(Smuck, smuck, goosh, lick.)
Save your money.
von
*No patents were hurt in the blogging of this post. And I’d stop that rocking from side-to-side on the playground swing, mista, lest ya wanna be sued.
Yeah, I was at JFK airport over the Holiday weekend, and saw one of dem communist little sandwiches. Further evidence of societal decay!
I tole junior, “Boy, you gettin’ crusts and you gonna like it”
I hereby disavow the endorsement of crustless frozen sandwiches by my girlfriend (who has now left the room).
This is from SPC67’s girlfriend.
Those posting must be men who are used to having their Mommies making them PB&J sanwiches. Most children under the age of five don’t each their sandwiches with crust. So it is a genius marketing move.
They are SOOOO good I’m getting one out of my freezer right now!
Those posting must be men who are used to having their Mommies making them PB&J sanwiches. Most children under the age of five don’t each their sandwiches with crust. So it is a genius marketing move.
My cruel mommy made me eat my PB&J sandwiches with crust. But you may very well be right re: marketing. (Still, it tastes, well, not good.)
SPC67’s Girlfriend,
You got that right, girlfriend! We’s mostly a buncha male, neanderthal retards over heah — watchin’ sports, drinkin’ beer & votin’ GOP.
You ain’t gonna find no Mensa scholars in this bunch!
prepared the trusty von-crowave
Maybe part of the problem. The little buggers were designed to thaw, not be ready for immediate use. Microwaving probably messes up the whole works. Dumb idea? After all, who wants to wait hours for a PB&J. But there’s the real story… they’re supposed to sit patiently in the tyke’s lunch bag and be the ideal consistency at lunch time… fresher than a normal sandwich made first thing in the morning. It’s a highly targeted product, Von, and sorry, but you are not the target.
Clever, but I agree with Davy, those things are the work of Satan. As the keeper of the kitchen in my house (that’s right, the boy makes food for the girl and even the mommy when she stops by), I wouldn’t ever let them in the door.
Course, I won’t let kids in the door, either. 🙂
You got that right, girlfriend! We’s mostly a buncha male, neanderthal retards over heah — watchin’ sports, drinkin’ beer & votin’ GOP.
You ain’t gonna find no Mensa scholars in this bunch!
I think in this case ND, you are being judged by the company you are keeping. Um…that’d be me. 🙂
And I thought that the low point of American food innovation had already been reached when I saw a can of “spray-on-cheese” on the shelf of a grocery store in Skagway several years ago.
Yukoner
It’s a highly targeted product, Von, and sorry, but you are not the target.
Hmm. My first response is: MattK/D1 works for Smuckers who OK’d the license (purchase?) of the SCPB&J patent.* My second response is: he’s probably right.
von
*I kid, of course.
Von,
Actually, this sort of consumer product navel gazing is how I earn my bread and (peanut) butter. Pray for me. 🙂
I’m surprised you missed the best patent of all: #5443036
I’m surprised you missed the best patent of all: #5443036
Great find! (I actually have that in my “stupid patent files,” (SPFs)* but plum forgot it.)
von
*It’s what us patent lawyers do for (not much) fun.(+) Don’t worry: more of the archives will be revealing themselves shortly . . . .
+You won’t be seein’ my “stupid RICO/fiduciary breach/white collar criminal files” anytime soon (my other area of practice). Sad. The hilarious crap I can’t talk about . . . .